Yesterday, Tuesday, August 8th, ESPN indulged teenage me. For one day, it rebranded its ESPNU channel as “ESPN8: The Ocho.” If this sounds familiar to you, well, that’s because it should:
ESPN8: The “Ocho” – a fictional channel from the movie Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story – was the D-list version of ESPN that was bizarre enough to show dodgeball. This was a great bit in 2004, although it wouldn’t phase me to see adults throwing balls at each other on television in 2017. But that’s beside the point, because for one spectacular day we were able to truly realize The Ocho.
I can finally leave my couch after 24 very important hours of The Ocho, so it’s time to partake in the madness. What better way than with a round of my favorite thing that is definitely sports, disc golf. And to top it off, I’m going to take two (*looks at title, audibly groans*) beers along with me for the trip.
Now of course, it is I, a law abiding citizen, and I would never drink alcohol in a public park, so these are just the beers I would theoretically drink. Moving on.
You can rest easy knowing that I’m taking two world-class beers, which just so happen to already be in my fridge. The first is Modern Time’s seasonal, Oneida, a beer I look forward to every summer.
Oneida is officially categorized as an American Pale Ale, but as is the prevailing theme in beer now, you can argue with your local Cicerone that it’s an IPA. The light, barely even there caramel backbone is completely run into the ground by radiant tropical fruit notes in the most delicious way, which is also a sentence written about many an IPA.
My second guest is one of Thorn Brewing’s core offerings, the Relay IPA. This aggressively hopped beer is exactly what we’ve come to expect from a San Diego style IPA, meaning it’s so bitter that you will text your ex to say their new haircut sucks. I had to do it too, but hey, I don’t make the rules.
Disc golf and a good beer go hand in hand, just not at the same time because I want to have a good round. Typically I go disc golfing at Morley Field in San Diego by myself and join a few strangers, and more often than not we end up talking beer before long.
Today I played by myself, mostly so other people didn’t see me taking scenic pictures of my beers.
Hole 1 – What have I done?
Well, it’s over 80 degrees and I break a sweat when I tie my shoe, so this should go well.
Bogey, and early stage sweat marks.
Hole 2 – Photoshoot
The guys in front of me are struggling to scale the tree that took their disc, giving me plenty of time for beer glamour shots.
Hole 3 – Fuck this game I quit.
Me after throwing my third bogey in a row.
Hole 4 – Why am I here again?
Oh yeah, beer. If I were opening my beers, this is where I would crack open that Oneida for momentary relief by citrus bliss.
I say as the sweat I just wiped off my face instantly comes back.
Bogey, but with beer.
Hole 5 – PAR
Hole 6 – More sweat.
Par, against all odds.
Hole 7 – 9…
Hole 10 – Who keeps score anyway?
Skipped writing those last holes because disc golf is meant to be joyous and irreverent, so keeping score would only detract from that. Right, yes, anyways…
More importantly, here’s where I crack into the Relay. Normally this is where I taste the sweet relief that is a hoppa-pa-looza of flavor, but all I taste right now is THE DESIRE FOR WATER.
Nevertheless, I persisted.
Hole 11 – Everything is disappointing.
This is my favorite hole and it went poorly. Don’t try to cheer me up.
Hole 12 – Am I doing it right?
Hole 13 – My realest self.
I spill the beer. I sweat. I play shitty.
And then it hits me, if nuclear winter is coming, this is not how I am spending my last moments.
I’m going home.
And so, in what might be even more depressing than 13-year-old Will realizing he won’t be on the real ESPN, today I learned that I wouldn’t make it on ESPN8: The Ocho either.
I’ll cherish the memories from my 24-hour binge. There were good times (disc golf championships) and bad times (ESPN referring to cornhole as “bags”). Will I remember these past two days after the movie Dodgeball ages another 13 years? Yes, because I wrote this embarrassing blog.
But mostly, I will remember that beer is indisputably a part of sports. Just take one from the dodgeball guys: